I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
