my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Randomize
