You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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