It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Randomize
