I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
Im just a social blackout drinker.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
Randomize
