Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
God I need to hump something, right now.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
Randomize
