Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
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