you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Aside from having sex with a rando in a toga on george's couch i think taking plan b in the library is the most hashtag college thing i've ever done
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
what color bed sheets say meditative warrior but also welcome to my sex dungeon...
navy blue
The fact that you have an answer to that is why we are friends...
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