party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
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I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
she has an amazing ass but I need more beers to get past her horse face. It works out perfect becauseI can use her teeth as a bottle opener.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
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Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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