Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
