Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
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My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
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Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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