Dude. I haven't taken a shit in a week.
Try anal, it works wonders.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Partying with my eighth grade history teacher I know you're jealous
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
