She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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