it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
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