I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize
