Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
Randomize
