I'm in that akward stage between jailbait and cougar
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
