how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Getting high with your mom, but thinking of you!
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize