when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint
i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
A lady played my boobs as if they were drums. It's been that kinda night.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
