I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
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If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
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That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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