Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Just pee around me
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
Randomize
