he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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