Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
