Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
My vagina just clenched in fear
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
