Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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