i was born a porn star she said
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
