finally cleaned my dorm for the first time all year. bleach is awesome.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
KETAMINE SUNDAYS ARE SERIOUSLY FUCKING ME UP!
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
