the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
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Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You know you gotta reevaluate your life when the first thought that comes to mind after you wake up is 'at least I'm still alive'
Let's not fuck on an air mattress tonight...I'd rather get rug burn.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
It's shark week go big or go home
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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