i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
What happened to fro yo and sex?
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
