don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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