Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
so how was last night?
got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
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