FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Randomize
