hell yes lets make some ravioli
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
It's shark week go big or go home
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
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