Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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