Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
Last thing I remember is Dusty riding the bikes we "borrowed" from the hotel through the CVS while the rest of us picked up the girls who were laughing at him
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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