My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
