I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
