It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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