How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Randomize
