question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
My life is pants optional.
Randomize
