I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
i think my tv is drunk
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world