apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
