If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
Everclear isn't food dammit
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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