i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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