then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
well the hot one passed out so thats that, but then the fat one made chicken nuggets....totally worth it
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
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