does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
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