remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
