woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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