im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Have you considered sword swallowing? Something about that bj tells me you could make a it a career.
Omg cinnamon bun Oreos. Thanks weed
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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