Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
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