I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
There was a half eaten cheeseburger on my coffee table. Guess I made it to McDonald's.
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Boobs are out for the taking
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
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