why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
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Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
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If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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