he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
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When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
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I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
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