Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
Randomize
