Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Randomize
