he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
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Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
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Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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